Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
