My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I don't deserve a penis
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
