Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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