No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
