and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
