i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
