spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
