So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
