Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
