I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
