After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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