Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
