So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
