did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
