legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
