sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think I just sharted jello shots
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
