Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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