If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
