She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
