I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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