so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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