Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
