Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
