somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
