I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
