I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
