I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
