Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
