I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
