Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
