I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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