How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
