his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wear drunk well.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
