I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
