her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
