Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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