For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
