i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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