Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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