I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
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