On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my being single is dangerous.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just invented taco cereal.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
