So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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