don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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