I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
