I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
