We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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