For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
