I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I would fuck him just for his dog
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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