"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We left an ass print on the piano.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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