My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
