why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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