I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
